I don’t really have an agenda for this post. I just feel like having a bit of word spew, so here we are.
It’s been a while, but I’ve survived the end-of-semester-panic so now seems as good a time as any to brush off the dust on this bloggy space and get back into it. In my head I’m climbing into an old attic and digging up a half-written book from a tattered box when I say this… In reality though I’m sitting under piles of blankets and a wheat-bag typing aimlessly into a word document at 2 o clock in the morning. I now realize this is basically what I’ve been doing for the past couple months in my absence from blogging anyway. However, something about not being graded, or having to keep to ridiculous word counts and find a reference for every other sentence makes this a lot more therapeutic.
I’ve had lots of small victories lately. And they’re slowly adding up to make a massive difference in the life of Jessi.
For starters I’ve reclaimed my granny flat with new bedding, a rug, lots of candles, and photos I have been meaning to get printed for years. It’s clean and the pantries are full. I’m cooking myself dinners and genuinely enjoying my evenings here… Even when the nights are endless like tonight.
I’ve dropped my “online social anxiety” (to an extent), and have been social media-ring a lot more just because I want to… By this I mostly just mean I have been sending way too many snap-chats of my cat, and posting the odd hula video onto instagram, but like I said, small victories! (By the end of the year I might even be a competent selfie-taker, ha).
I’ve been less of a social hermit in real life too, but also perfectly OK with being one sometimes… One of my greatest challenges in life is finding the right balance of human interaction to avoid either “I’m so overwhelmed, I just want to disappear and never talk to anyone ever again” and “I’m so alone, would anyone even notice if I disappeared? Will I ever get to talk to anyone ever again?” Luckily, I have awesome, understanding friends, and a very talkative cat.
Last on my list of small victories was getting my driving licence (woop woop). Anyone who knows me will know that this is a bit bigger than a “small” victory for me. It’s been seven years in the making, and it had grown into this out-of-control anxiety and massive hurdle between me and the independence and freedom I wanted. So to say I was pleased when they handed over my new licence is a bit of an understatement. I definitely did a little celebratory dance in the VTNZ car park and I couldn’t wipe the grin off my face. Currently I’m on the hunt for the perfect lime green car, heheh.
And today, I handed in my last assessment of the semester! I managed to jump back into university and despite starting two months late, I’ve made it. So I’m feeling pretty chuffed with myself, and also incredibly grateful for all the amazing people (and cats) that have helped me out along the way.
Unfortunately, I’m not feeling overly excited for the upcoming university break. On Monday I’m “going under the knife” to hopefully get this endometriosis/ uterus-that-beats-you-up-from-the-inside-out crap under control. Why go on holiday over the break when you could have surgery instead! I have been feeling completely fine and chill about the whole thing- probably partly because I had too many assessments to do, and a driving exam to pass. But yesterday I got the confirmation email from the surgeon with all the itty-bitty details and suddenly it seems very real. My stomach keeps doing little somersaults like it does before an exam, and I’m sure this is 90% of the reason I’m not asleep right now. Fingers crossed though in a couple weeks’ time the surgery can go down as another little victory for me too!
Nerves aside, I am hoping to treat this as a good opportunity to do lots of writing and drawing and spam this blog with all the things. I’ve got a drawer full of half finished pictures to fret over. And at least half a dozen “blog idea” notes on my phone that I’m sure made perfect sense when I wrote them down… But looking at them now they read more as though a toddler got hold of my phone and auto-correct tried to make the best out of the situation… I may, or may not, be able to decode them.
Any requests or suggestions for things to write about are more than welcome pleeease. I am both needy for validation and genuinely passionate about what other people are interested in. So, make a comment, send a message, do any of the social media talky things (because I’m getting so good at it all now).
Well hope you enjoyed this word dump! Thanks for reading.
Good luck with your week and stay amazing. Toodles!